Lunch with Robby and Steve

Where do I start?

30 years ago I first visited Rudi and Max at Stuyvesant House in Crows Nest. The food was (and remains) very much to my liking. The wine list and cellar are legendary. The antics and umm, floorshow by Rudi are infamous.

But yesterday (9 December 2011) was my last lunch there, because Rudi banned me.

Here's what happened:

Robby and Steve from ETF joined me, I wanted to buy them lunch to talk about the turbulent trade show war and also because they are good guys, it was the end of the year, and a Friday.

So Rudi does his usual rude greeting, full of the F bomb and delivers beer.

The young waitress gets her first snap from Rudi because the butter is not on the table. An hour later, she has been abused in and out public view, and on the way to the toilet I pass Rudi almost towering over her, in a highly threatening manner, called her 'stupid' and 'dumb' and other things.

In between, Rudi's brother Max delivers the Pork Knuckles, in his dirty apron. He always has a very, very dirty apron, and always, always reeks of cigarettes.

Rudi grabs Steve's knife and fork and saws open his kunckle. Then he grabs it with both bare hands and reefs it open. He shakes a liberal dose of salt on top. "That is how you fucking eat it", he declares, before repeating the act of kindness for Robby.

Everything thus far is fairly normal at this disfunctional throwback establishment. Being slight unreconstructed and not at all politically correct, and a hard drinking media man with a roadie pedigree, I've almost seen it all before.

Except for the abuse heaped on Mylene.

She ran out the door in tears soon after, and I took off after her down the road.

"Listen, that was over the top, you don't deserve any of that", I told her. I got her number and sent her a text: I am Julius. I took your number. I will speak to Rudy about his behaviour. Please dont hesitate to contact me if you seek further action. I am very sorry to see how he was."

She replied: "You're so nice and your business friends are too. It's a shame for Rudi, he just keeps losing great customers."

Robby and Steve were concerned. "What will we do"? We decided to invite Rudi to sit down to talk about it, but there wasn't a fourth chair at our table and he was running around delivering huge, enormous oversized Steins of beer to tables. A bunch of women opposite us arrived after he described how they make the Pork Knuckle so tender.

Warning! The following paragraph is extremely offensive
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"We find a virgin and we insert the knuckle into her" (censored, he used graphic language).
"Then we have intercourse. That is why it is tender" (again censored).
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When the ladies arrived, he toned down the profanities, and set about breaching his liquor license by plying all and sundry with copious quantities of booze. The ladies scored an ice bucket with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a bunch of cokes inside. Of course you get charged for everything, including the Pretzels that arrive on the table, that you do not order or eat.

So at the sad and embarrassing end of what should have been a nice lunch on a nice day, I told Robby and Steve I would remonstrate with Rudi in private at his little bar down the end, and if they would wait outside then we could be on our way.

"Rudi, you are over the top. You've gone too far", I said as he added up all the little bar chits and made my bill. "Whatever" he grunts. "What is up with you? Too much to drink, eh?"

"Actually Rudi, this is it for me. I am disgusted with your ways. You cannot deal with staff that way".

"What do you say", he yells? "I'm not a fucking Tafe. She didn't have experience. Good riddance!"

"Fine Rudi, then have your own medicine you dinosaur. I'm not paying your lousy bill. Call the Police, do what you like, you miserable old idiot", and I walk out.

"Max! Max!" he yells. They chase me outside.

Standing outside the door, Steve and Robby in full witness, they start abusing me for doing a runner. "No Rudi, I told you, I'm not paying you to punish you for being so miserable. Anyway, what do I owe you?"

"Two hundred" he says. "Here is $150", I give him the cash. I always pay for what I eat, and I am just making a point about his unbelievable conduct.

"Don't come back", he snarls.

We walk away.